An update in Martin's words

Hi everyone,

This is a short update on my family and myself. We have had quite a month of trials. Yet, we have come through it and we are still standing. We do have some battle scars though.

About 4 weeks ago, we had to take our daughter Tessa to the emergency clinic at the hospital. She had a virus and it was starting to cause dehydration. Our family physician had recommended that based on her observation of Tessa during the doctor's visit. Fortunately, once we got to the ER, Tessa revived and was able to keep some liquid nourishment down and did not need an IV. We were blessed to have a very helpful nurse who knew what to do. We were discharged after a few hours. Tessa recovered in due time and was back to her usual self. As parents, this is quite a test to wait on the Lord.

A week later we were at the same ER again. This time it was my wife. I had to call for an ambulance. She had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. The physical and emotional aspects of this were quite intense. The loss cannot be described. We were blessed to have a good doctor and nursing staff who took care of Traci. Traci was discharged later in the day and able to go home. We stayed with her parents so that she could rest. We have had to reach into our memory bank and apply divine solutions to the human problems and seek comfort in the Lord's provisions and His plan for your life. For both Traci and I, this is an incredible test, yet we can find the comfort we need in the Word of God and His promises.

Last Sunday afternoon, the left side of my face became very swollen and painful. My jaw mobility was reduced to about 1-2mm. In the process of trying to open my mouth to remove my mouth piece, I heard a load crack or pop. At first I thought I broke a tooth. When I did not find anything, I then realized that it was something else. I assumed that I had re-fractured my jaw. I went of an xray at the MDA ER which did not show anything. The doctor on call thought that the swollen tissue was a result of my "breaking" some of the scar tissue or fibroid tissue while trying to get the mouth piece out. Hence the loud crack or popping noise.

I am scheduled for more tests at MDA today and next week to determine what the cause is. I also am scheduled for a panoramic xray of my jaws so that we can with confidence rule out a fracture.
In the meantime, I continue my routine and am using ice packs and compresses to keep the swelling down.
As I find out more details, I will provide an update.

Some have asked about my hyperbaric treatments and I completed 32 dives. I will not be doing any more "dives". I accomplished what I had hoped for which was to reduce or eliminate the infection in the back of my mouth.

I left out two small minor details that happened in the last 2 days. The first was on Tuesday afternoon when I had the whole family in the van. We were waiting at the intersection for the light to turn green. It turned green and I proceeded across the intersection and was 3/4 of the way through when we heard tires squealing...I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a pickup who had run the red light and missed us by 2 seconds. Had he hit us, it would have been square on right where all the kids were. I told my wife that obviously it was not our time to go to heaven. Yesterday while I was in the ER, my wife called and calmly told me that while putting gas in the van, she heard what sounded like water running and then realized that all the gas was running out on the pavement....the fuel line was compromised...kids all in the van...3 gallons of gas all over.... She was able to pull away and wait for our mechanic who came out to take care of it.

Thanks again to everyone for your prayer support

Semper Fi

Martin, Traci, Gunnar, Winston and Tessa

I am better, how are you?

Kitten therapy = good stuff

Just got up. Today is a new day. I will take things slowly and keep expectations low of myself for now. My body is healing well and so is my mind. Two nights ago when we returned home, I did not cry and only teared up once yesterday. I fully realized that our growing baby was not born alive and did not feel pain and know anything of what happened to its tiny body and life. That is comforting to me. It is not that I am trying not to cry, I just didn't cry or need to cry. I know the hole in my heart will get "softer" as Carole told me.

The kitchen island is a wreck with my homeschool journal open to last week..books, notes, receipts of life and living from the week before lay askew and waiting for organization. There are drink rings on the granite. The island is the hub of my days. I have noted the days of my miscarriage in the journal. The rest is blank. Today I will fill it or begin to refill it for learning opportunities for the children and I for next week and onward. We (really it is me) are still just getting a grip on meal plans, laundry, enjoying the cool weather and making sure all are doing well. We each, with the exception of little T, have grieved in some way. I did not expect it from my almost 4 and almost 7 year old but they had some problems with dealing with their Dad and I and how we were reacting/acting about the miscarriage. I did not hide my crying, anguish and shock from them. They saw the paramedics take me to the hospital afterall. All of us seem to be on the mend though I think. This passage floats through my head easily as it rests engraved on a cross in my kitchen window.

For I know the Plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you . Plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:1

I know that God has plans for me and my little family. His plans are not my plans but I am certain they are special and specific. It is right there in the Bible!

Martin does need special prayer. His mouth is especially tight these days..we think from the stress of what just happened.

I want to clean the house or at least just mop the floor. It needed it two weeks before the miscarriage and now I have added two more weeks of life to it....ick. I want to go to Walmart and pick up my new huge umbrella clothes dryer and buy some new clothespins. We noticed a $100 drop on our electric bill over the summer while I was using our single line dryer on the porch so we decided to get a larger one and I enjoy hanging laundry and diapers so that will be fun to set up soon. I will probably not go today though...I am not ready to haul big things and three kiddos...yet.

All in all, today I woke up with a sense of purpose and desire to live my day out a little more than the day before it. It is my first day "on my own" with the children and it will only be a half day at that...I am well supported and blessed with plenty of love and help. But not too much help that I don't get back in charge over here. I am Mom afterall. I am still hormonal and emotional at times. The children's noise is a little more annoying than usual for now. I have noticed that my belly is more slack as before and can fit in some regular clothes already. I was just beginning to show last week. I am feeling "slim" and that is a nice feeling. I can drink my favorite white wine, and black coffee. I prefer half decaf/half regular Dunkin Doughnut coffee..yum. The cool weather is inspiring. The friends and family that surround me and let me just...talk....is nourishing my soul. My pastor nourishes my soul with his teaching. Today I will make Chicken Quesadilla Pie from Simply Organic Recipes ( I tried to link but could not) and devour it tonight with my family. I have only been making sandwiches and pouring milk over dry cereal for days and am eager to get cooking again. I will bring my son to Taekwondo training tomorrow I think. I will resume it in time myself I think and then get little almost 4yo Win into it...he is dying to go to Taekwondo. It would make fair advantage so the boys can spar each other instead of Gun knowing how to block and kick, Win can give it right back!

I have something that we all have been learning about and enjoying for the last month or so... a new kitten! His name is Tom (Gun named him) and this weekend, we may add his sibling to our family. Yes...we will own five cats!!! Crazy cat people, I know. I love baby everything and think Tom needs a feline buddy too. I plan to save pennies to buy this since they are going to be house cats and I think our home would be nicer, cleaner, fresher, happier with this investment. There will only be two cats in the house and three in the shop/porch off the garage. I have lived with multiple cats and it is truly the one downside..litterboxes!

There are lots of animal learning opportunities...life is a classroom. Gun is learning when and how to use the water spray bottle to train Tom NOT to climb on the curtains, the kitchen table or the kitchen counter....Gun wants to spray him all the time for fun but is showing patience, restraint and discernment to use it for Tom's training. Last night, my 20 month old girl hauled a 3 lb. bag of dry kitten food all the way upstairs to her big brother (she wanted zero help I tell you!) and then he opened it and they all three fed and watered him...I am still working on teaching them to sweep up after Tom but it will come in time. It is a joy to see children with animals, it truly is a joy.

That is how I am doing, how are you?

September 23, not all the wine in the world

Two days ago, I had a miscarriage. That word is weird. Miscarriage. Like I missed tossing something in a carriage? I have come to realize that not all the wine in the world will drown this pain. It would just make me an alcoholic. I don't want to go that direction but, a glass or two won't hurt these days either.

I have shared with close girlfriends and family the details of it...the physical part of it but since this is a public journal, I do not want to do that here. Atleast not in detail. I know there are many women who have blogged very personal details of their own miscarriages and am sure that can be found for those wanting to search that out online. Those of you I have shared it with have helped me so far and it has been therapeutic to talk about it many times already. The more I talk, the better I seem to be able to believe it happened at all. Many have offered consolation of prayers and shared hugs to share via Martin to me and for him. Thank you. What pain. What agony truly. I now can empathize instead of just sympathize. How can one even talk about this? But to listen is such good medicine for me. I always could understand the loss of the hope of a baby but the pure violence of the spontaneous miscarriage/abortion is something that if I live to be 90 will be as vivid then as it was two days ago.

I was 12 weeks along. I had no signs or trauma to instigate a miscarriage or anything wrong with the fetus. I did not have the suffering of some mothers who know, via ultrasound, that their dream of a new baby was gone and to wait for the spontaneous miscarriage that just won't seem to come. I am thankful God spared me. For us, it was like ripping off a Band-Aid. It was a full 18 hours but it was still quick compared to waiting a week. It does seem now, two days later, that my miscarriage was as efficient as my births and all will heal well naturally and normally. I was frightened and somewhat alone for various reasons when the actual birth took place. I have not been alone for my other births and was very scared. It took hours for me to realize that this was in fact happening and it was like a birth in process although of course, not in result. I was at home when it happened. We did not subject the fetus or anything to testing and will never know the why of it. We think it was a chromosomal defect and I can live with that explanation.

I did think "When I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." But it was not natural or easy to remember God's promise in the throws of it all. I am now afraid (again, remember the promise) that this is how the Lord intends for it to end for us. I do not want my childbearing to end this way. I do know that not all women get to have even one child. I know that I am blessed with my three healthy children. I know that I don't get to choose how it will end. I know that I will have to place my trust in Him to make my journey okay for me. He will provide my peace somehow. I have a lot to accept and it will take time. I will stop crying (as much) and believe it will get better in time.

My husband, sister, parents and some close friends (you know who you are) have sustained me and supported me well and helped with our little ones while I recover. We are at my parents home until I feel strong to get back into our routine at home. I am thankful for it and need it for now.