Diagnosis

" DIAGNOSIS
No malignant cells identified
Acute and chronic inflammation, histiocytes, foreign body giant cells "

There is an inflammation from the necrotic bone infection site but cancer, be gone!  We are so very thankful.  Extremely happy about it indeed.  ~Traci (Martin's view below, read on please)

**************************************

So our evening went this way last night after the happy news.

When you serve this for supper,

Mandi's veggie panang with added ground beef by me and, you get this reaction,

it makes the evening a bit dreary.  I love your panang Mandi (no link to share though) but the whole gang has to force it down unfortunately..it is delicious and nutritious with the sweet potatoes, green peas and onions...I don't get it!!  I am such a mean mom, until...I put this on the table.

And get to make up a song that goes to the tune of Happy Birthday with new words like this,

"Happy 3 years with out cancer to you, happy three years without cancer to you, happy three years without cancer dear Daddy, happy three years without cancer to you!"

The smiles soon return.

And all is well and no complaining at the table for a short while. ~tm

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Rom 8:31

 

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?

 

Rom 8:32

 

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also wih Him freely give us all things.

 

Ps 27:14

 

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord

 

I Thes 5

 

In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 

 

Hi all,

 

This week has been a roller coast ride in many ways.

 

Let me start with Winston. On Monday as he was riding home with Traci from the homeschool store, he announced;

 

"Mom, I prayed to God the Father and told him that I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. Amen."

 

You can imagine the goose bumps that we felt and the surge in emotions that went through us.

 

Yesterday, I received another extension of Grace. The biopsy results came back and showed no malignant cells. The diagnosis is a severe and chronic infection and inflamation which has resulted in this big mass. This infection is related to my decaying and nectrotic jawbone. Since the drain fields are all plugged up, the "sewage" has no where to go.

 

Give a whole new meaning to being full of s*%*....if you know what I mean. 

 

Tomorrow I begin with another specialist to see if we can get the infection under control and eliminated. In the meantime, the exposed bone area has started to heal. The efforts of the surgeon last week in cutting out the nectrotic dead bone has helped the tissue find a live source of bone to bound to. I am hopeful that the whole area will eventually be sealed. I am applying my "miracle cream" salve daily to help stimulate the growth.

 

In the meantime, we take it one day at a time and and remember to be thankful in ALL things as is mandated in I Thes 5.

 

The three candles on the cake signify being cancer free for three years. The kids loved the blowing out part cuz dad can't blow to save his life.....

 

Semper Fi

 

Martin, Traci, Gunnar, Winston and Tessa  

What's going on::waiting::living

Seems I think more thoughts than I can record here.  I wish that I could type more often, but, it does not happen with life happening all around me.

Food.  My creation based on Cathe Olson's popcorn recipe found here and then I add Braggs aminos by spraying it on, cheddar and spice seasoning from Frontier Co-Op and powdered wheat grass.  Please use organic popcorn.  Don't get me started on GMO foods.  I am proud of adding that wheat grass ya'll.  My kiddos walk around with green around their mouths and on their fingers as if it were normal.  So good for them and me too.  Wish Martin could enjoy popcorn.  He abides by during movie nights when we enjoy it most often.  We watched The Iron Giant last night, have you seen it?  Wow. There were some "shutups" and even a "what in the hell?"  I thought, huh, this is a children's movie....we will weed those out as they come as the story plot was so good.  I can even relate this animated robot movie to the Lord Jesus Christ this week as I am sure, the boys will reminisce about the movie.  Some good points made on sacrifice and also judging one by their appearance..some good things in there.  Stream it and see yourself.

School paces daily Monday through Friday, often ending on Thursday and fills most of my planning and orchestrating time in between food and laundry and house maintaining...hummm, today I do need to mop....will try to go for it, will try.  However, spot spray and wiping is just fine too.

Lots of glitter glueing for the littlest one.  Glueing her markers, her fingers, wee bits of paper to other wee bits of paper and plenty on the table.  Ah well, table cloths are so good.  She has avoided the wall so far.  Why I wonder?

New school supplies and two workbooks have energized "school time" for the oldest..who knew?  the boy wanted workbooks?!  He was ready for less "at elbow" mama/teacher and more independence and this has helped his attitude to stay positive.  Spelling Workout and Zaner-Bloser manuscript for continuous stroke handwriting.  Planning to add cursive lessons soon.

And this guy, not yet five years old, he wants to do everything his three years older brother who can read, can do...I am having to do things on the fly with him..thank you Starfall and my fab all-in-one from HP so I can copy worksheets that are appropriate for him too so he can "do school" too.  I am also working with him on handwriting.  He is ready and needs to make good habits now.  He does not mind learning how to hold his pencil well.  I can tell he likes that I am more "formal" with him now.  So cute.

Oh Calvin and Hobbes, you complete me.  The boy's favorite, well, next to Legos, past time.

They also have binders, as suggested by The Well-Trained Mind, Susan-Wise Bauer..they love it!

Field trips that feed mom's soul...the current very, very favorite is the local yarn shop.  We have all four of us learned to use the yarn swift.  A wooden, hand cranked contraption that makes center winding a long hank of wool into a neat little ball in seconds or minutes.  Fun stuff.  Also, again, a chance to take turns and not fight over a "toy".  Ah, those ladies are so nice to me there.

The growing and the anticipation of our new little one.  I was thinking today that I like that I have all winter babies.  I get to slog it out in the Texas heat of spring/summer and just when the "oven" is really cranking in the late second and then third trimester, I get sweet release and, almost a reward for it all in the cool breezes coming our way.  Not bad.  Will take it as it comes.

Teaching and knitting are very compatible.  My eyes and brain keep very happily busy juggling both and the children are used to it.  They almost don't like it if I am just staring at them while I assist with a lesson.  So funny.

So satisfying.  A new umbilical cord hat made earlier this week and plenty more new things on the needles.  I LOVE knitting.  Duh, you say.

Then there was Friday.  The biopsy.  Martin is doing really well.  We are nutting out things.  Planning the next steps based on the diagnosis.  We live with cancer all the time and never get away from it.  I have a friend whose husband thought he had a recurrence while she was pregnant with their third daughter.  Her sister wisely said, God is bigger than any lump.  So true.  I still get sad and cry a little with decisions to be made soon.  I don't pray for it to go away.  I pray for courage and wisdom to make great decisions.  I know God has not forgotten Martin and his family.  We see it daily in many ways.  Please read or re-read Martin's post here.  He is a great man and this is how he truly thinks and believes.  He is a true gift to me and our children.

We will update soon with results of the biopsy.  We are always in His everlasting arms.

Thanks for stopping by to see "whats going on".

Cancer battle continues::In Martin's words

Phil 4:11b-13

 

For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with the humble means, and also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things though Him who strengthens me  

 

Is 41:13

 

For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.

 

Is 41 : 10

 

Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

 

Is 30 : 18

 

Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him.

 

Ps 40:1

 

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me and heard my cry.

 

 

Hi Everyone,

 

This is an update since my last email in August. A lot has happened and is percolating at this time.

 

In August, I approached a local pharmacist who reviewed my situation with the exposed bone that was not healing and he came up with a topical cream to apply three times a day. I called it the "miracle grow" cream. I would apply it to the exposed bone area and then add an additional poultice of aloe vera juice and raw honey.

 

For several weeks I did not notice a change until what I felt was some positive movement with gap around the exposed bone closing. About that time, I started to get a sore throat on my left side which is where the exposed bone is. It got so pronounced that I stopped doing the poultices and waited for the problem to subside.

 

I attributed it to the weather, smoky skies and air, exertion, working in 102 temps, etc....

 

This week I was back at MDA for another round of tests and consultations. It was a mixed bag of good and not so good news.

 

The good news is that the exposed bone finally had become so pronounced and visible that the dental surgeon could reach in there with his cutting tools and break off a big chunk. The result is that no longer do I have a sharp jagged bone sticking out  irritating my tongue and surrounding tissue.  What a relief!

 

The not so good news is that the CT scan showed an area in my neck behind the donor tissue and my throat that appears to have the characteristics of a tumor. This is the spot where my throat has been sore and is close to where the exposed jawbone was.

 

The surgeons want to have a biopsy done to see what this is. I will be having that done at some point soon.

 

There are theories as to what this problem area is. It is about the size of a quarter. One theory is that it is cancerous and it is now traveling to other parts of my body. The other theory is that it is a collection of fluid from the infected tissue related to the exposed bone and since I do not have any lymph nodes, it is trapped right now. 

 

Right now we have to get  the facts and then make a decision.

 

I have prayer time with the boys in the evenings before going to bed. Each of us gets to pick someone to pray for. Gunnar picked Ms Ruth, a fellow cancer warrior, Winston picked Gunnar who has a cold and me because of my mouth problems and I was at the end to wrap it up with the rest of the names on our list. We proceeded to pray and after wards Gunnar asked me the following question.  

 

Gunnar asked me why does God let all these bad things happen to you? Great question and awesome opportunity to answer in a proper way.

 

I explained that God is not letting bad things happen to me. They are tests for me to pass and so that others can be able to watch me and see the peace I have which comes from God. Then maybe they would want to have that peace also which comes from believing in the Lord Jesus Christ and knowing that as a believer, we are in His hand.

 

I expanded a little and talked about comparing our life now with cancer to our life before without cancer. We compared our house to the little house we used to live in. We compared being close to friends and family now and not so far away as before. We compared many other blessings as well.

 

I then told Gunnar that the biggest and most happiest day of my life with cancer was actually a day with him. He looked at me quizzically and that is when I relayed the time when shortly after three surgeries and during the radiation and chemo, I had gone to his room to pray and say good night. He told me that evening that he believed. I was not sure what he meant and he clarified. He said that he believed in the Lord Jesus Christ. He smiled and said he remembered that evening and where we were. 

 

So the take way in this is that our battle with cancer brought our son to the point where he made the decision to accept Christ as His Savior and for the parents, that is a moment of extreme joy and happiness.....makes this three year battle worth it. 

 

I will send out a new update once we get more feedback from MDA regarding the possible tumor and if it is cancerous or not. In the meantime we continue taking each day one day at a time and being thankful.

 

Semper Fi,

 

Martin, Traci, Gunnar, Winston and Tessa            

Father's Day

the sweet spot (with soap bubbles on the seat)
a cardi for me, begun last summer

This work truck is a flip truck that Martin is repairing for sale..it also makes a nice ride on toy storage area...ha, ha, we're so country!

Fall 2009

From a morning that began less than ideally, developed a day that was perfect on Father's Day.

I had told my hubby the night before, as we were going to bed, exhausted, that I was...overwhelmed. Laundry, house cleaning (three toilets, two bathtubs, two floors..a lot to clean for one gal while entertaining three little people), school planning for the week (to teach my student age child and keep occupied my preschooler and tot), meal planning/prep for the week and as I was trailing off my long list, I did not hear a response but rather looked at him, eyes shut...I wondered if he even heard me. He was fast asleep. Tomorrow was Father's Day, his day.

I left a new book on his bedside called Backyard Ballistics on how to make guy stuff that is cool, as a Father's Day gift the night before but as Father's Day began, I launched into my work and just assumed I was on my own for the day to begin the climb of my overwhelming list. Why I cram all of this on Sunday I am still not sure why I do that? Anyway, before I knew it, the hubs was taking charge of a honey-do list I had made and hoped to see fulfilled...little repairs, a burnt out stove light, a wine rack that needed reinforcing, find some legal size hanging file labels he said he had...for me, and replace a couple of cooking pot lid handles that had broken. Not only did he check all off the list but added to it. He vacuumed the entire house. He always puts away clean dishes and loads dirty ones in the dishwasher. I think he even swept the floors. Thank you!!

After I entertained the littles with the movie Cars at mid morning while I cleaned bathrooms, they were ready for lunch which I prepared but for the rest of the day, he took total charge and with gusto. You have to remember, he still deals with and will deal with indefinitely the damage done by conventional cancer treatment. I will post more new insight on that later. He has up and down days, hours, ....minutes and I just never know how he will feel and how it will affect his parenting at the moment. Let's just say, the lows have made the highs...glorious.

He made a backyard splashpool playland complete with toys, bubbles, bikes, swim goggles, bug exploration, and enjoying a summer breeze partly created by a carefully placed fan as well as an unusual Texas summer breeze. We have a sweet spot right in the gateway to our backyard where you can often catch a cool or warm breeze while hanging outside with the children.

I was able to complete most of my list while allowing myself another day, Monday, to work out more school planning...as you may know, what you plan sometimes may not workout for different reasons so you often have to make adjustments to the plan.

I even had time to relax and enjoy some long overdue knitting since supper would be simple leftovers. Now, on Tuesday, with my list still not complete, it is okay. If he and I work together, it is always okay that we are working together towards my list and, his list of things to accomplish.

Thank you Martin for all you do, I love you forever.

The Man and the Scars:Martin, in his words

But first, an update from Traci:

Uh, so I thought I would take part in screen free week this week.....halt!...not when I am sick...moving on.....I have been in survival mode again. There are so many house projects, sewing projects (Bellville Market Day rolls around again on May 7th..please come! And, I hope to post some new items here when they are ready..I hope!) , just simply reading and teaching projects that are on hold a bit for now. I must rest. I am battling my second sinus infection, maybe bronchitis, this month alone! It seems, the older we get, the less leeway we have with our health. I strongly believe that nutrition and our gut is the key to health. I know that our diet is very good and not the Standard American Diet but a whole/traditional foods diet and we limit grains and sugar and even still, I am guaranteed a sinus infection/cold/flu something int the springtime. It seems that perhaps I need to tighten up this diet thing even further....sigh....no more occaisional pit stops at Sonic..yes, Sonic, I admit it!

I am teaching and reading to our children about Easter, listening to Homer Price on a skippy audio cd from the library and then there is the laundry, meal prep and straightening..not cleaning. We did one reading lesson this week and that was with both boys and it was very good. Win can recognize most letters on a page..that is fun! Gun can read and sound out and will soon formally learn blends...I know he will apply what he learns as he is ripe and ready to learn to read these days..that is exciting! I plan to dye Easter eggs tomorrow with turmeric, grape juice (my fave when I am sick!!) and cranberries...and do this craft for the children which I think will help make the reality of Easter come alive. So, as usual, there is learning going on even if it is not copy work, math games and reading lessons or deliberate reading lessons, that is....the 7 year old boy asks me how to spell everything! I can remember wondering when I would see the day that the light would turn on and it has...the Lord is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts/minds (and the patience and faith in children's ability to learn in their own time) in ways we may not imagine and that is exciting!

Today, I plan to make some handmade love...bandoliers for all three children, see the super cute, easy tutorial here, and hopefully a new bath mat as my white spa mat got a big splotch of cobalt blue nail polish on it this morning..no, it was not a child. ;-)

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

~Mark Twain

And now, my Martin:

**********************************************************

Hi all,

I was back at MDA this past week for another round of tests including blood
work,chest xray and the CT Scan also known as the feline scan or cat scan. This
is the customary 100,000 mile checkup.

I got a price break on this month's CT scan because I had access to
some cheap radioactive stuff from Japan. It seems that a couple of drums from
the damaged nuclear reactor washed up on the west coast and were available for
use.


The advantage to using this radioactive mix versus the
regular bariumiodinehydroxenefahrvergnungen solution is that I do not need a
night light when I go to outhouse at night and it helps with my aim. It is kind
of like having tracer rounds mixed in.

The results showed the cancer to be still in remission. No new cancerous tumors
were detected. It did show that I have a sinus infection which has been a
problem for

awhile now. The high pollen count and other allergy related issues have not
helped either. I am not on antibiotics at this time as we will see if it can
resolve itself in time.

I still have a small section of exposed bone in my lower jaw which has been a
problem since last December. We are in limbo at this time as it is not getting
worse nor getting better. The dental surgeon wants to wait another month and
review the situation at that time. The goal is to avoid any more cutting.

All I can do is keep the area as clean as possible and keep it from getting any
worse.

My radiation treatments from 2.5 years ago is one of the reasons why I am still
dealing with all this. Radiation is the gift that keeps on giving. It is a hard
road back from that process.


My surgical areas are still healing and I have not yet regained full feeling in
those areas....it feels like a lump of something...the nerves have not yet
reconnected.

Another highlight while at MDA was that I had an opportunity to have them look
at my damaged ear. Ever since radiation, I have had reduced hearing. It turns
out that my body went into protective overdrive and produced 25 lbs of wax to
protect the inner ear.....so much that it totally blocked everything. They dug
away in there using a gadget called alligator clips, a shop vac, a roto-rooter
and some dynamite and got the obstruction removed.

Well, now I have a new problem. I can hear again which means I can hear my
wife. oh....well......man, is that honey do list long too....

Eating remains a challenge. I am still learning how to swallow and not choke in
the process. My daily challenge is to maintain a high enough calorie intake to
offset my calorie usage. I also am having to remember to remain hydrated. I lost

8 lbs this past month due to increased physical activity and not eating
enough. I realized I was having a problem when I had to start using rope to keep

my jeans from sliding down around my ankles. I weigh about 142 lbs right now.

A major milestone for me this past week was when I ate a "loaded" hamburger and
tater tots for the first time in almost three years. What a head rush that was
to taste all that again....of course the challenge was what to do once I had the

hamburger in my mouth.....

Because of all the new caverns in my mouth, food gets lost in there. This gives
me camel like characteristics. I can be walking along and have a morsel of
something fall down on my tongue and I can have lunch on the
run... that hamburger from last week, yea, it showed up again yesterday,
fortunately it was some of that genetically modified beef which has the life
span of spam and so it was still good.

One draw back to the hamburger event was that the family had to load me onto
the trailer and haul me to " Bubba's 4X4 Monster Truck Wash" and run me thru it
a few times to clean me up....kids enjoyed that show a lot.

Well, one has to keep a sense of humor and remember that our time here on earth
is but a short one in light of eternity. My sons remind me that once I get to
heaven, I will have my mouth again. Their confidence in the promises of God
speaks volumes.

We face each day with confidence in God's plan for our lives.

Thank you for your continued prayer support and the words of encouragement that
you send us.

Semper Fi

Martin, Traci, Gunnar, Winston and Tessa

Family Table Meal Plan?

I am interested in meal plans that you can purchase online. For me to purchase and use. I am getting some great ideas from the samples and wonder if this would be something I can create for a very, very targeted group. Families living with oral cancer specifically. More broadly, it could be applied to families who have a member who has problems with taking food in orally which can include someone who has had surgery like wisdom teeth removed or a tonsillectomy perhaps? My meal planner would be based in gluten free alternatives but using other whole grains, traditional food preparations for foods that are nourishing to the body be easy to get in for children and for an oral cancer patient as well as those trying to increase protein, veggies and fruits and reduce grains for weight loss. These are some general guidelines to my meal planning for our family. Blending the needs of all with wellness and good nutrition in mind is a challenge for sure.

I am just curious if there would be an interest in me publishing or making available some kind of meal planner based on my experience in the kitchen with these challenges. I would need to reach families via M.D. Anderson with oral cancer challenges and at this point, I am not sure how many of those folks are reading my blog anyway. Would you buy it? Would it be useful? I know this is difficult to ask without seeing a sample. If there is interest, I can whip up a planning sample to share.

Making Ginger Beer

ginger beer started bubbling on a heating pad on the kitchen counter..it has a muslin/washable coffee filter rubberbanded over the top to keep insects and kitties out; began March 27th

Nourishing and cheap to produce in my own home. Those are two things I like best when it comes to food in my kitchen, inexpensive and nourishing. With growing children and a man in survival mode from cancer treatment and a mama that is, uh, holding on to middle age to care for all of them and for herself at the same time, I love these old folk remedies, tonics, etc. I have ventured into making kombucha tea and kefir and have found a nice website (linked for you right back there in this sentence on "kombucha" and "kefir") with not only what you need to get started, again very affordably so, but with information and links as to why you need to consume these things as well as videos ( I love it when you show me, not just tell me, right?!) on how to make these concoctions. I have watched several of these videos and I would agree with how she is doing things here and like how she shows you how really easy this is to produce these things. But for now, I seem to be interested in making Ginger Beer. What is ginger beer? See this link for a general history of ginger brew. This morning, I was wondering, just what is the alcohol content since I do plan to serve to my young children....upon reading, uh-oh...well, it can possibly be as high as 11% which is as high as beer or wine. That can happen the longer you ferment it. The longer the ferment time, the more alcohol you will get. Opppss....well, we shall see just how much fermentation I am able to get with my brew...I will try it out on my husband and I first for sure. I did serve my children kombucha tea in small amounts on hot summer days and do not recall being concerned with alcohol content then....hummmm...I guess that we did not drink more than 8oz or 16oz per adult per day and maybe 4 to 6 oz. or less for the children and at the time, T was too tiny anyway to drink it or drink more than a taste anyway. Overall, the good bacteria consumption is key, the alcohol is likely low, see this article here under "A Little Goes A Long Way", and that is the goal for us all, to get the good things in our gut and stop supplementing with very expensive probiotic supplements. To keep my family of five in regular probiotic supplements can be around $30 per month whereas with kombucha tea, kefir water, ginger beer...it is a fraction of it and I daresay, much more natural and therefore more "alive" and truly useful to the body. We are at home anyway and can use the capsule or powdered supplements when away from home. I will report my findings on making of this new brew, new to our family anyway. Today is day 8 of making the "bug" to start the actual batch to ferment a drinkable brew. I am keeping the warm temperature steady by placing my jar on a heating pad on low temp right on the kitchen counter. This is not difficult ya'll and it is not dangerous. I read recently that when making your own fermented anything at home, ginger beer, kefir, vegetables, etc., if it is ruined and toxic, you will not only not be able to eat/drink it but the smell with toss you backwards. Carefully prepared and, using good directions, see this advice as well at the above linked how to videos, these fermented foods/drinks have been traditionally used, read this, and thought to be vitally nourishing for the body. As a sidebar, did you happen to notice in the photos of the native people in shelters following the tsunami in Japan, they were eating fermented vegetables. Normal everyday food for them that is beneficial. I noticed it! By the way, if you are reading this and you have found a good source for buying flip top, rated for fermentation, quart size bottles...please advise!

Happy home brew ya'll! Go ahead, try it!

My friend::Ruth Moran

God has given Martin and I a new friend.

I had the privilege to spend part of the day with her yesterday. She is a crack up, a fun gal to hang out with and most of all, a steadfast believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. She loves a good Starbuck's mocha that she sips for hours due to her deformities with her mouth...noone could appreciate a cup of coffee more. Her challenges are very similar to Martin's battles. She is someone I want on my dream street. Oh, my dream street is my street with all my favorite people living on it..just one door down so we can share a cup of tea, a smile, a wave, a meal and help each other in times of need. I think about it often and populate it with those I love.

Here is an excerpt copied below from Ruth's Caring Bridge website journal. I hope that you will read her "story" here, to know how she got to this day and how the Lord has sustained her. You can follow her journal with updates. I hope that you will include her in your prayers. She has another surgery on Friday. Ruth puts a beautiful, surrendering, trusting face on the relentless test of cancer. She knows that cancer suffering is not about her..it is about drawing closer to Him.

I love you Ruth!

In her words, written when she was my age, in the "early days" of her battle with cancer:

Friday, August 25, 2006 5:08 PM, CDT
We’re leaving for our annual family beach vacation tomorrow and I’ve been thinking and planning and preparing for that (and for school) so much that my family had to jog my memory of the upcoming occasion. I won’t be home for it but my family and I will be celebrating my (deep breath) fortieth birthday a week from today on September 1st. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d live to see the day come. In fact, when I was a kid, I couldn’t possibly fathom the idea that I would live to see the turn of the century! Little did I know then that God said, “your thoughts are not my thoughts, nor your ways, My ways.”


This time last year was full of promise and anticipation of a second year of homeschooling, continuing to work on my Master of Arts degree (Theological Studies at RTS, Charlotte), helping Tim lead the Cub Scouts, etc. But God’s plans were different from ours. It would be the ultimate expression of hubris, I think, to blithely plan this year as if I could pick up where I left off before “it” all happened. To take a step without recognizing the impossibility of that notion would be to deny the work of God in my life. Of course the physical effects and changes are undeniable, but those are temporary and relatively insignificant with eternity in view.


What God has wrought in my heart, in my passion, in my focus and priorities is forever altered from “what was” and I pray I never lose sight that the tumor, the surgeon’s knife, the radiation’s beam were only instruments in the Potter’s hand to mold me into someone who more closely resembles Christ—not because of me, but because I have hope that there’s less of me and more of Him. Though it might appear to have been a passive process that was done to me, I have constant reminders that it has been and is anything but passive. It is ongoing, graciously unceasing, painful—for I do not let go of “self” without struggle—but overflowing with blessings too abundant to list in a sitting.


One of the beautiful benefits of this kind of suffering is the inexplicable byproduct of enormous gratitude. I seem to have a hyper-awareness of what I’ve been given how much I have to be thankful for, and how completely undeserving I am of the smallest of grace-gifts. I can easily (admittedly sometimes in hindsight) identify Satan’s attack on this attitude when my focus changes to enumerating my limitations. I have limitations and I’ve spent some time these past weeks adjusting my understanding of these limitations and restrictions. This has been a necessary and healthy process for me so that I don’t fall back into the “getting in over my head” habit. But beyond that, I can hear the tempter whisper “yeah, but you can’t…” and it’s a dark pit to fall into.


So as I approach this fortieth birthday, it is with great joy that I celebrate what I’ve been given and that God loves me so much He continues to work on me and through me. I get to luxuriate in His grace and mercy that He deigned to choose me to be His child and His instrument of glory-giving, that His name would be exalted for “His marvelous works”. Isn’t it fantastic that He gave me another year to praise His name and to accomplish those “good works” He prepared for me and empowers me to do?


Share my joy that “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” (Romans 8:18) I love that whole chapter—spend some time there if you’re feeling a bit disconnected from the reality of the eternal. Celebrate with me that Christ bore our punishment and made a way for us to be His joint heirs in the grace of life!

No Bended Knee::from Martin

Ps 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in danger.

Ps 61:3 For You have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy

Ps 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Ps 121:7 The Lord will protect you from all evil, He will keep your soul.

Eph 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.

Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

2 Thes 3:3 But the Lord is faithful and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.


No Bended Knee

"No Bended Knee" is the title of the memoir of Gen. Merrill B. Twining. He was with the 1st Marine Division at Guadalcanal and fought in that epic struggle. He chose the title of his book based on the fact that it was the intent of the Japanese Army commander to force the Marines to surrender "on bended knee".

The 1st Marine Division refused to surrender and ultimately won that struggle and Japan never again had an offensive military victory in the Pacific war.

"A Dawn Like Thunder: The True Story of Torpedo Squadron Eight" is a book written by Robert J. Mrazek. The principle of "No Bended Knee" is evident by the men of this squadron. At the battle of Midway, 45 of the 48 men who flew the outdated planes with faulty torpedoes did not return. The remaining squadron members flying with the Cactus Air Force out of Henderson at Guadalcanal lost seven and had eight wounded. Their actions at both Midway and Guadalcanal changed the course of history.

"Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience and Redemption" by Laura Hillenbrand is a book about Louis Zamperini. His is a remarkable account and the principle of "no bended knee" even as a POW.

"Operation Mincemeat" by Ben Macintyre is a fascinating book about a plan of deception that ultimately gave the allies an advantage in the war with Hitler. In the book was a brief account of LTC Alexis Baron Von Roenne who was in charge of FHW, the intelligence gathering unit for the German military. His sector was the western front. LTC Von Roenne was a believer and also an anti-nazi.

The author, Ben Macintyre, put forth a theory that Von Roenne deliberately gave Hitler faulty intelligence data to hasten the end of the war and remove Hitler from power. We will never know as Hitler had Von Roenne killed by the SS. Von Roenne's last statement was that he was going home to be with the Lord. Von Roenne did not have the "bended knee" moment that Hitler wanted.

In the Bible, the accounts of Moses and David illustrate waiting upon the Lord for His strength and not to have "a bended knee" moment.

Moses waited for the deliverance of the Lord by the Red Sea as he watched Pharaoh's forces approaching. The people of Israel were in panic and scared, ready to surrender. Yet Moses admonished them and told them to wait. Exodus 14 has the whole historical account.

David did not have a "bended knee" moment when he faced Goliath. He was the only one not scared unlike the whole Israelite army that was cowering and ready to surrender or flee. As the account of I Samuel 17 illustrates, David faced Goliath and won.

It has been now two and half years since we began our fight with cancer. We have had our ups and downs in this war. The times when we are down are the toughest as you want to quit. Yet, we cannot. We cannot go "on bended knee".

God gave us this assignment as we have to see it through. He will provide for our needs and give us the strength to fight on.

Since my surgery last November, progress has been slow and steady. We have had some new developments since then.

Yesterday, I received my new mouth. It fits a lot better which helps when eating even though I still need to be put through a car wash to cleanup afterwards. Part of the problem is that I still have not regained the ability to close my lips which causes food and liquids to leak out.

I have aspiration issues when swallowing due to small droplets of liquid being stuck in my throat. As a result, I have to cough ever so often to clear the passageway. I guess I could also consider using a roto rooter.

I am still retraining my tongue to work for me in the swallowing capacity. Pushing food down my throat does not work all the time which causes a coughing spasm so I do not choke. My 2yr old daughter will look at me and say..."k daddy????" She is quite cute when she says it too.

I also am the "Mr Potato Head" of the family. How many dads can take their head apart and show off the pieces....I get a lot of mileage out of that one. Of course, it does create a problem when I sneeze and pieces fly everywhere....

In the last three weeks, I have had a small area of the skin graft recede from my jawbone thus exposing it. We are watching it closely. I am on antibiotics and pain meds to keep this issue under control. We are hoping that it will grow back. In the meantime, the surgeon went in and clipped the bone back to remove the sharp edges.

I will be at MDA (Martin's Daily Adventure) for a day or two every week for the next month or so while we focus on these issues. I am continuing with my physical therapy regarding the use of my mouth and getting some additional tests done to look into my hearing loss.

I had the gastric feeding tube removed after not using it for almost a month. What a relief that was to get it out. I finally had to wrap it up in a 4 ft long bandage as I was forever getting it caught on things and yanking the heck out of me and it.

We appreciate your ongoing prayer support and words of encouragement that you send.

Semper Fi

Martin, Traci, Gunnar, Winston and Tessa

What I do in my darkest hour....

new do, same me

I just got a phone call from the dear woman, Darlene, who hand milks her cow and we buy direct from her. We know and trust her and her cows. Her well timed call must have been inspired by the Lord.

Martin and I have troubles. We have challenges in direct relation to his cancer and treatment not to mention that we are flawed, sinful people in the first place. Our struggle in general, is not unlike, as I told Darlene, who is a widow, when a spouse has a husband or wife die and in short time, the world returns to their routine. Life carries on with its obligations and duties and passions to pursue and things to learn but for the widow, this is not true. The attention and compassion she received and needed so much, dries up. For the first time perhaps, they are left to realize that they are truly on their own for the first time. And then, they are left with a choice. Some times one can carry on by sublimation. Knitting, sewing, traveling, reading, joining clubs, getting active in a church, beginning a running program to train for a marathon, drugs and other addictions, sex, etc. This list is not extensive. But without fail, if you were to ask these people if their coping was helping? I would bet, if they face reality at all, they would say...."no". I would bet that many would not even be able to answer the question. I think these things (well, drugs the exception I suppose!) are fine but not if they are sublimating another need that is much deeper.

To be happy, I don't need people to constantly ask how we are doing, what are we doing, how are we coping? But there are many days of feeling very alone in the struggle and noone is asking. That is my darkest hour. That is when I turn to the Lord the most. And then, sometimes the isolation surrounds my husband and I and we get "seperated" and become two housemates in the daily life of raising three small children, a home to repair and renovate and decorate and house pets. With a deforming serious illness and the aftermath of the surgical result the physical changes of it and the logistical challenges of eating....well, our marriage just seems to be in the toilet.

It may sound too simpleton but, without the Lord, our marriage would plain and simply be...in the toilet. After all, who really expects to deal with the "or worse" part of their marriage vows in specificity? I am sure, most folks don't think too far down that road...it is fruitless anyway right? Why worry about being broke, broken, seriously ill...why not build yourself up for the struggle with the word of God. Right? Right.

Often, after I wipe up my tears and, mumble to myself (the children sometimes hear me I am sure) , why Lord do we even keep on? What am I here for anyway?...would it matter at all if I were not? And it spirals down from there even deeper at times...that is the truth.

What I know is that faith is moment by moment. Faith is not walking down an aisle in church, making a public confession, naming him as Lord of my life...no way. It is simple return to trust in Him privately as a believer in Him, name my sins of self pity privately and return to His fellowship so I can push on...moment by moment. I don't log a lot of time in guilt over my feelings. I don't have the time. Thank you Lord for these little children and cancer! Thank you Lord for your solutions.

What I must remember is how often we are remembered in prayer and otherwise. Daily if not more often by some people compassionate and caring about Martin's challenges with his mouth. People that think of me as a wife and mother coping with the deformities and changes in his hearing, his tolerance of noisy, messy little children, his discontent with a routine interrupted by much of anything spontaneous. These are things that are fine and even truly welcomed by me but not him necessarily. The personality traits of before cancer have been magnified. For better or for worse. I was told I had courage by a man I met years ago...a married father of two young boys. Courage? I said. What choice do I have? He smiled and agreed. You love who you love no matter what changes them...no matter what. You just don't shut it off and walk away.

I must remember to not try to be perfect or right but forgiving...of him and myself. How many times did the Lord forgive my sins and shortcomings? Too many to count, before I was even born.

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

~Jeremiah 29:11

Update from Martin ~ Merry Christmas

Gunnar's second Christmas ~ 2004, as he was two weeks old on his first one.

Luke 2:7-16

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn

And in the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night

And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them and the glory of the Lord shone around them and they were terribly frightened

And the angel said unto them, do not be afraid; for behold I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people.

For today in the city of David there is born for you a Savior who is Christ the Lord

This will be the sign for you; you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger

And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying

Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased

When the angels had gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds began saying to one another, "Let us go straight to Bethlehem then and see this thing that has happened
which the Lord has made known to us

So they came in a hurry and found their way to Mary and Joseph, and the baby as He lay in the manger.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.

John 10:28
And I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand

I Tim 2:6
Who gave himself a ransom for all

Rom 6:23
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.


Hi everyone,

Christmas is but a few days away and the passages quoted above are why we have the reason for the season.

Yesterday was another milestone for us at MD Anderson. We had three appointments and spent the morning at the hospital. It was a very productive and encouraging time.

We saw my dental surgeon who worked on my "new mouth". It was ready for us to try out. The purpose of the obturator is to cover the cavity in my mouth where bone and tissue has been removed and give me the ability to speak, swallow, eat and drink. The new mouth required some modifications after we got it in. It has three hooks that attach to the teeth in my upper jaw. Once we had it in, I was able to speak with a lot more clarity which was a tremendous boost.

My surgeon also gave me a compliment that was overwhelming. He is a US Army veteran who fought in Vietnam when he was a young man. He told Traci and I that from time to time he will look at a person to determine if he would have wanted them in his squad. He told us that I would have made his squad. That compliment from a Vietnam combat veteran was very meaningful to me and one that I will always remember.

Our next visit was with a specialist in the speech pathology dept. to make sure that I could swallow. My swallowing capability had been dormant and there was concern that I would have problems with food or drink going down the wrong pipe. The good news there is that everything still works. However, I will have to retrain myself to eat and drink because of several challenges. I have lost some ability to control some of the muscles in my lips which is creating a challenge.

I also cannot completely seal my mouth so food and liquids have a tendency to take some different routes. This is and will be a source of amusement for the family at the dinner table. I do know that I will win the "messiest eater award" each and every time. To handle this challenge, I will have to learn how to eat again with my new mouth.

I am also having to learn how to chew again as my lower jaw has been dormant for so long. The lower and upper jaw do not line up and so I am having to remind my jaw to line up and guide the teeth to actually meet and accomplish the chewing assignment. It sounds simple, however, at the moment it is not as easy as one would think.

I was given the green light to proceed with eating and drinking and the goal is to be able to sustain myself within three weeks and thus have the gastric tube removed.

Our final visit was with the pain management dept. to review what medications I was taking for pain and what changes we should consider. My physical therapy regimen each day of forcing the lower jaw to the opposite side of the surgical area is creating pain. Add to that the healing process with nerves and tissues reconnecting and that sometimes creates a raging inferno in my mouth.

We ended the day by eating at the hospital. I had mashed potatoes with country gravy (delight), a little macaroni and cheese and some Italian noodles. I also had one of my favorite deserts, a chocolate parfait. What a milestone!

I will be going back to MDA for some additional checkups for the next few weeks and to remove my gastric tube. I will have another progress report at a later date.

Thank you for the ongoing prayer support and also for words of encouragement that we have received. We are also grateful for the logistical support that we have been blessed to receive as well.

We wish all of you a merry Christmas and that we can all be thankful for the greatest gift we will ever, the gift of salvation which is why we celebrate Christmas.

Semper Fi

Martin, Traci, Gunnar, Winston and Tessa

Martin update in his words

before surgery Tuesday morning after an overnight stay in hospital with plenty of I.V. anti-biotics and pain medications...feeling good and positive!
sometime on Wednesday I think, the day after surgery, I see a smile! you can see the tracheotomy tube under the oxygen cuff on the left and the yellow wet bandage is hiding all the new pectoral tissue underneath

my helpers to change Daddy's bandages at home, they mostly love the gloves

Gun's 3-D card stock environment for one of his action figures..there is a pile of these that have been in the making over the past several days...there have also been numerous videos I WISH I had time to post here..so funny...one is a close up shot of two of Gun's cars and he is humming the theme song to Cars/the movie...there was another one of a pro video we saw here of the earth's horizon set to ambient sound..he simulated by walking along our ivory carpet and Win playing the xylophone and it was really kinda cool this Mama says.

Mostly, it is all a blur to me since getting home from hospital. I am just keeping routine for us all as much as possible. I do laundry, dishes (ahem...Martin has been doing them to when he feels like it!), regular meals and bedtime, reading stories. Wonderful friends have made main course dishes we have been enjoying and that frees me up to be a double parent or help Martin. My sister has been doing projects with our children..what a joy and what fun for them! Even a much needed trip to the library for some new winter and Christmas tales happened today. We took just a brief trip out to do that while leaving Martin at home solo. I am weary but we are doing well. As married people know, it is tough to keep good communication going when you can speak but it adds a whole new level when one cannot speak. Martin is not enjoying being able to fire back at me at times but he does put things in all caps on his notebook when necessary that he uses to "talk" to the world. I will save it to reminisce one day.

Here are his words:

Job 35:14b
The case is before Him and you must wait for Him

Job 36:2
Wait for me a little and I will show you that there is yet more to be said in God's behalf

Ps 25:5
Lead me in Thy truth and teach me for Thou are the God of my salvation, for Thee I wait all day
Ps 27:14
Wait for the Lord be strong and let your heart take courage, yes wait for the Lord

Ps 39:7
And now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in Thee

Is 40:31
Yet those who wait upon the Lord will gain new strength, They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become tired.



Hi everyone,

Sorry that it took a little longer to get this update out. In one of my last updates, I referenced waiting for the Lord and the Biblical account of the storm in Matt 8:23-27. For Traci and I, we have had to wait upon the Lord in the midst of our storm. It was not easy. The temptation to "help" God fix things was always there.

Yesterday, we saw the calming of the seas and the silencing of the winds as illustrated in Matt 8:27. The calm was overwhelming.

We had spent the day up at MD Anderson with post surgical appointments with all the surgeons that had been involved in my surgery from a week ago.

We got good news in that the biopsy on the removed tissues did not show any cancer cells. The second bit of good news was that the surgeons do not think I need anymore surgery. The results so far show promise.

My dental surgeon was thrilled to see how much I can open my mouth. He expressed confidence in fabricating a mouthpiece that will allow me to speak and eat with greater promise then before.

He also gave me some exercises that I need to do every day for the next 3 months to stop and minimize the formation of scar tissue which will give me problems. The key will be to gently force the lower jaw to stay in line with the upper jaw and not pull to the surgical side.

My plastic surgeon was also very positive about the results. There was concern that the donor tissue would not bond in the cavity where the infection had been. We are now at day 10 so the odds are improving that it will not be rejected.

Yesterday, they also removed all the wound drain lines. That was a relief. My trach was also downsized which is part of the process of getting rid of it.

Next Monday, I hope to pull my trach out. At that time, I will also be fitted for the new obturator. I will have to undergo some swallow testing before they allow me to eat normally. Once that is approved, I can stop using the gastro tube and have it removed in 5 weeks.

My focus now is to implement the recommended therapy on my jaw and mouth and continue with the positive trend we have going. I also need to regain some weight and build up my immune system.

As always, we are very appreciative of the prayer support and words of encouragement. Thank you so much for everything.

Semper Fi,

Martin, Traci, Gunnar, Winston and Tessa

Waiting....

photos by Gunnar

I feel a strange tension or a bit of anxiety. We are waiting for my parents to bring the children home right now. Should be a bit crazy these first hours or day home. My parents have been the "boss" for 8 days and now it is back to old hat, mom and dad. Oh dear. I am sure there will be things they miss about being at my folks house. I am sure they have missed their toys and kitties that are here.

Martin is doing well today. He had a really good nap without any interruptions today. My sister and brother-in-law (nieces too) made a needed grocery run for us. Even still, I am out of laundry detergent, so dad or mom will get that on the way here. We will set up baby Tess's crib again when they get here and move the children's things back in. A good friend, Kelley, brought over salad, Gun's fave dressing, Annies Naturals Roasted Red Pepper, after I requested it one time to Kelley...thanks Kelley! It is the only one, right now, that will coax that boy to eat a fresh salad. And a ziti, spinach cheesy comfort casserole with whole wheat pasta. Food can make it all so much cozier and easier and the timing of her home cooked meal is perfect. Mona and Cheryl have also given us some pre-cooked meals. It will be such a blessing in the days ahead, such a blessing to enjoy their efforts and take some task off of me too. What a pleasure and what a help. Thank you!

I do have mountains of laundry and soon, little ones to attend to but, I have taken on a new knitting challenge. See the beginning suggested cast-on method here if you are interested in what I am embarking upon craft wise. This is definitely a challenge and I am determined as I have already bought the pattern, needles and yarn...what have I gotten myself into? Truly though, this lovely knit project, seen here, is just what I need and want right now. We are enjoying this port in the storm.

Martin and I are home

The all day discharge from the hospital is over. It began at about 6 or 7am and then we are now in our own bedroom and settling in...the ride was kind of rough for Martin but he is beginning to relax more and is caring for himself for now. We heard of patients having strokes just when discharged and then having to have their I.V. lines reinserted at least and at worst, a longer stay up stairs in intensive care for a longer stay. We also heard of a woman, on day five after surgery, the day she was being discharged, her new "flap" of tissue died. She had to have immediate surgery. I do hope, in those two cases, they were thankful. I do know that the fellow who had the stroke, was agitated and wanted that I.V. line removed during the long wait for discharge...I am sure he had to wait all day just like us...seems he may have worked himself up with stress and his heart could not take it. Of course, I don't know for sure what it was but that is the reason the nurse removes the I.V. line, the life line for drugs and fluids, very last thing. At any rate, we all live with knowing that our life has an expiration date. The trick is to avoid the fear of it.

We have appointments on Wednesday with head and neck surgery, plastic surgery and the dental oncologist. We wait and heal here on the home front.

The children will return to us from my parents house tomorrow. They did come up for a visit at the hospital today. What a joy for Martin and I both since we miss their noise and craziness and unreasonableness and obvious need for their parents.

So much to be thankful for this time of year. As the Christmas celebration approaches, what are you thankful for today?

New Blog formatting: pls leave a comment

I have been reluctant to have my comment section open to anyone non-registered for comment. However; it is preventing readers from making encouraging commentary after reading a post. In the hopes of reading your comments, I have turned this off and made it public and open to anyone to comment for now. This means that anyone can type anything and publish to my blog. I am not moderating it but check it often that should I get some wacky commentary or spam, whatever, then I can delete it. I do not have my blog enabled to be searched over the web. For instance, if someone searched "cancer surgery" my blog would not come up as a link so it is not just wide open out there available on the web. So, this is mostly for friends, friends of friends and family from whom we wish to hear from anytime via this blog. Martin will also be emailed immediately when you make a comment reply to any post. Thank you for your prayers and comments! Let's tread boldly into this world wide web world shall we?

-Traci and Martin

Martin ~ Slow but steady

Things are moving along for Martin although quite slowly. The plastic fellow was here at 6am and removed the bandage over Martin's chest where the flap of flesh, artery, vein, etc. was lifted up to the inside of his neck and turned out to be his new skin in his mouth. Did you pass out yet? The suture is "pretty"..yes pretty...it is not angry red or irritated but it is large. About 9 inches long I guess.

He just had a doc remove the nasal-gastric tube from his nose since it is time and not necessary since the stomach tube is in now for tube feeding. He never did receive formula via that nasal tube this surgery. He used thay tube on the last surgery but this time, the jaw bone was so brittle and easily damaged, although gone along with the infected tissue, it is better to be on the stomach tube for a short time to allow the jaw area to really heal and be clean. The nurses are beginning to put medicines in via the tube as well and Martin may even begin to get pain meds via the tube and off the I.V. tower. I wish I had a working camera cord to upload pics. His I.V. tower was loaded up with pumps and bags of multiple fluids until this morning then the nurse started to take them off one by one. His load was lightened. He got two of the four I.V. lines pulled already this morning. Next is to downsize his tracheotomy tube for breathing in his neck either this a.m. or sometime soon. He will be off the I.V. fluids after his tube feeding is up to 70ccs so that could be tonight sometime or tomorrow. Dr. Myers, Martin's surgeon now for the past two years, the "subtractive" surgeon as I call him, is looking at discharge by Monday or at least he wants to watch Martin through the weekend. The new "flap" needs to be happy attached to the area with severe radiation and infection which is more challenging than if it were adhered to perfectly healthy or unaffected tissue. Martin wants a shower pretty badly..maybe today with the nurse we can make that happen. Head and Neck, i.e., Dr. Myers team says it is fine...we need the Plastics team to approve it then go for it.

Martin has a good attitude and as you may know, that can be challenging while sitting, waiting and, waiting to heal. He is up and about walking the pod. So well that last evening, I was on my makeshift bed, in his room knitting, door open and he went off to walk the floor himself. When he passed by the door, he glanced at me and I promise, he was walking a good clip as if nothing has happened. Yipppeee! Healing is coming along.

I am in control, but not

It really is amazing when I think about what the surgeons did to my husband day before yesterday. Let me just see here if I can write, make sense and share my thoughts on things going on around here and in my head right now.


We have constant nurses coming in and out, round the clock, checking the I.V. antibiotics which are constantly dripping. Not to mention the pain medications and candida medications being pumped in to Martin's bloodstream for days and even prior to coming to the hospital. My mind keeps picturing Martin's liver as a little (actually, it is the largest and heaviest body organ) red blob that is pulsing with all the work of filtering it is busy with now and has been busy with for months. I mean, I am not dreaming of this blob...Martin says he is having bizarre dreams...it is the drugs for sure in his case. This constant drug intake that is endless and necessary to maintain life makes such new perspective in yet one more way for me on this cancer journey.


I once thought in my holistic healing/natural remedy mindset and continue to think...oh, won't it be nice when I am not nursing or pregnant so that I can do a proper liver cleanse so I can feel more energetic,blah, blah, blah, la-dee-dah... and now, I am simply thankful God created a liver to help the rest of the body cope with the drugs needed to combat serious infection. I truly believe the Lord keeps me from silliness. He restores my mature perspective and keeps me from going too far down into the pits of worry and the false comfort of self control. I am thankful because this cancer has helped to simplify our lives. Things once speculated to be important, and more interestingly, more under our control are managed for us by the Lord and I do believe this is part of the whole of Martin's cancer journey. The whole being that we believe, if God wants you to suffer and you fill in the blank with your suffering...disease, death, pain or even if things just don't go your way with some big plans or long term plans for your life or, you just cannot lose those 10 pounds no matter what you do and you hate the way you look in your denim jeans...I mean, come on, suffering is suffering right??? Small children already have to learn how to deal with suffering whether it is how to work out sharing a toy or how to deal with Leukemia cancer treatment...it is all suffering to different degrees. Whatever the suffering is and the Lord does not remove it, He intends for you to bear it and rely on Him 100%. So I am thankful that my Father has taught me this lesson in a profound way. I mean, if I (and of course, Martin) don't get the lesson with this test, will I ever? I treasure it and I know Martin does too. I am amazed at how I am compelled to treasure it. I think it is the only right thing to do and Scripture supports it.


He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. ~Isa. 40:29
God helps the helpless..no matter how many liver cleanses you do, you can still have cancer. NO matter how much of an anti-cancer diet you maintain...I am not really in control. Jesus Christ controls history. This does not mean that we don't take full advantage of knowledge on preventive care that we can but we don't treat it as a religion either.


No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it. ~1 Cor. 10:13

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee. ~Ps. 56:3