September 23, not all the wine in the world

Two days ago, I had a miscarriage. That word is weird. Miscarriage. Like I missed tossing something in a carriage? I have come to realize that not all the wine in the world will drown this pain. It would just make me an alcoholic. I don't want to go that direction but, a glass or two won't hurt these days either.

I have shared with close girlfriends and family the details of it...the physical part of it but since this is a public journal, I do not want to do that here. Atleast not in detail. I know there are many women who have blogged very personal details of their own miscarriages and am sure that can be found for those wanting to search that out online. Those of you I have shared it with have helped me so far and it has been therapeutic to talk about it many times already. The more I talk, the better I seem to be able to believe it happened at all. Many have offered consolation of prayers and shared hugs to share via Martin to me and for him. Thank you. What pain. What agony truly. I now can empathize instead of just sympathize. How can one even talk about this? But to listen is such good medicine for me. I always could understand the loss of the hope of a baby but the pure violence of the spontaneous miscarriage/abortion is something that if I live to be 90 will be as vivid then as it was two days ago.

I was 12 weeks along. I had no signs or trauma to instigate a miscarriage or anything wrong with the fetus. I did not have the suffering of some mothers who know, via ultrasound, that their dream of a new baby was gone and to wait for the spontaneous miscarriage that just won't seem to come. I am thankful God spared me. For us, it was like ripping off a Band-Aid. It was a full 18 hours but it was still quick compared to waiting a week. It does seem now, two days later, that my miscarriage was as efficient as my births and all will heal well naturally and normally. I was frightened and somewhat alone for various reasons when the actual birth took place. I have not been alone for my other births and was very scared. It took hours for me to realize that this was in fact happening and it was like a birth in process although of course, not in result. I was at home when it happened. We did not subject the fetus or anything to testing and will never know the why of it. We think it was a chromosomal defect and I can live with that explanation.

I did think "When I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." But it was not natural or easy to remember God's promise in the throws of it all. I am now afraid (again, remember the promise) that this is how the Lord intends for it to end for us. I do not want my childbearing to end this way. I do know that not all women get to have even one child. I know that I am blessed with my three healthy children. I know that I don't get to choose how it will end. I know that I will have to place my trust in Him to make my journey okay for me. He will provide my peace somehow. I have a lot to accept and it will take time. I will stop crying (as much) and believe it will get better in time.

My husband, sister, parents and some close friends (you know who you are) have sustained me and supported me well and helped with our little ones while I recover. We are at my parents home until I feel strong to get back into our routine at home. I am thankful for it and need it for now.