I am in control, but not

It really is amazing when I think about what the surgeons did to my husband day before yesterday. Let me just see here if I can write, make sense and share my thoughts on things going on around here and in my head right now.


We have constant nurses coming in and out, round the clock, checking the I.V. antibiotics which are constantly dripping. Not to mention the pain medications and candida medications being pumped in to Martin's bloodstream for days and even prior to coming to the hospital. My mind keeps picturing Martin's liver as a little (actually, it is the largest and heaviest body organ) red blob that is pulsing with all the work of filtering it is busy with now and has been busy with for months. I mean, I am not dreaming of this blob...Martin says he is having bizarre dreams...it is the drugs for sure in his case. This constant drug intake that is endless and necessary to maintain life makes such new perspective in yet one more way for me on this cancer journey.


I once thought in my holistic healing/natural remedy mindset and continue to think...oh, won't it be nice when I am not nursing or pregnant so that I can do a proper liver cleanse so I can feel more energetic,blah, blah, blah, la-dee-dah... and now, I am simply thankful God created a liver to help the rest of the body cope with the drugs needed to combat serious infection. I truly believe the Lord keeps me from silliness. He restores my mature perspective and keeps me from going too far down into the pits of worry and the false comfort of self control. I am thankful because this cancer has helped to simplify our lives. Things once speculated to be important, and more interestingly, more under our control are managed for us by the Lord and I do believe this is part of the whole of Martin's cancer journey. The whole being that we believe, if God wants you to suffer and you fill in the blank with your suffering...disease, death, pain or even if things just don't go your way with some big plans or long term plans for your life or, you just cannot lose those 10 pounds no matter what you do and you hate the way you look in your denim jeans...I mean, come on, suffering is suffering right??? Small children already have to learn how to deal with suffering whether it is how to work out sharing a toy or how to deal with Leukemia cancer treatment...it is all suffering to different degrees. Whatever the suffering is and the Lord does not remove it, He intends for you to bear it and rely on Him 100%. So I am thankful that my Father has taught me this lesson in a profound way. I mean, if I (and of course, Martin) don't get the lesson with this test, will I ever? I treasure it and I know Martin does too. I am amazed at how I am compelled to treasure it. I think it is the only right thing to do and Scripture supports it.


He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. ~Isa. 40:29
God helps the helpless..no matter how many liver cleanses you do, you can still have cancer. NO matter how much of an anti-cancer diet you maintain...I am not really in control. Jesus Christ controls history. This does not mean that we don't take full advantage of knowledge on preventive care that we can but we don't treat it as a religion either.


No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it. ~1 Cor. 10:13

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee. ~Ps. 56:3