new do, same meI just got a phone call from the dear woman, Darlene, who hand milks her cow and we buy direct from her. We know and trust her and her cows. Her well timed call must have been inspired by the Lord.
Martin and I have troubles. We have challenges in direct relation to his cancer and treatment not to mention that we are flawed, sinful people in the first place. Our struggle in general, is not unlike, as I told Darlene, who is a widow, when a spouse has a husband or wife die and in short time, the world returns to their routine. Life carries on with its obligations and duties and passions to pursue and things to learn but for the widow, this is not true. The attention and compassion she received and needed so much, dries up. For the first time perhaps, they are left to realize that they are truly on their own for the first time. And then, they are left with a choice. Some times one can carry on by sublimation. Knitting, sewing, traveling, reading, joining clubs, getting active in a church, beginning a running program to train for a marathon, drugs and other addictions, sex, etc. This list is not extensive. But without fail, if you were to ask these people if their coping was helping? I would bet, if they face reality at all, they would say...."no". I would bet that many would not even be able to answer the question. I think these things (well, drugs the exception I suppose!) are fine but not if they are sublimating another need that is much deeper.
To be happy, I don't need people to constantly ask how we are doing, what are we doing, how are we coping? But there are many days of feeling very alone in the struggle and noone is asking. That is my darkest hour. That is when I turn to the Lord the most. And then, sometimes the isolation surrounds my husband and I and we get "seperated" and become two housemates in the daily life of raising three small children, a home to repair and renovate and decorate and house pets. With a deforming serious illness and the aftermath of the surgical result the physical changes of it and the logistical challenges of eating....well, our marriage just seems to be in the toilet.
It may sound too simpleton but, without the Lord, our marriage would plain and simply be...in the toilet. After all, who really expects to deal with the "or worse" part of their marriage vows in specificity? I am sure, most folks don't think too far down that road...it is fruitless anyway right? Why worry about being broke, broken, seriously ill...why not build yourself up for the struggle with the word of God. Right? Right.
Often, after I wipe up my tears and, mumble to myself (the children sometimes hear me I am sure) , why Lord do we even keep on? What am I here for anyway?...would it matter at all if I were not? And it spirals down from there even deeper at times...that is the truth.
What I know is that faith is moment by moment. Faith is not walking down an aisle in church, making a public confession, naming him as Lord of my life...no way. It is simple return to trust in Him privately as a believer in Him, name my sins of self pity privately and return to His fellowship so I can push on...moment by moment. I don't log a lot of time in guilt over my feelings. I don't have the time. Thank you Lord for these little children and cancer! Thank you Lord for your solutions.
What I must remember is how often we are remembered in prayer and otherwise. Daily if not more often by some people compassionate and caring about Martin's challenges with his mouth. People that think of me as a wife and mother coping with the deformities and changes in his hearing, his tolerance of noisy, messy little children, his discontent with a routine interrupted by much of anything spontaneous. These are things that are fine and even truly welcomed by me but not him necessarily. The personality traits of before cancer have been magnified. For better or for worse. I was told I had courage by a man I met years ago...a married father of two young boys. Courage? I said. What choice do I have? He smiled and agreed. You love who you love no matter what changes them...no matter what. You just don't shut it off and walk away.
I must remember to not try to be perfect or right but forgiving...of him and myself. How many times did the Lord forgive my sins and shortcomings? Too many to count, before I was even born.
Martin and I have troubles. We have challenges in direct relation to his cancer and treatment not to mention that we are flawed, sinful people in the first place. Our struggle in general, is not unlike, as I told Darlene, who is a widow, when a spouse has a husband or wife die and in short time, the world returns to their routine. Life carries on with its obligations and duties and passions to pursue and things to learn but for the widow, this is not true. The attention and compassion she received and needed so much, dries up. For the first time perhaps, they are left to realize that they are truly on their own for the first time. And then, they are left with a choice. Some times one can carry on by sublimation. Knitting, sewing, traveling, reading, joining clubs, getting active in a church, beginning a running program to train for a marathon, drugs and other addictions, sex, etc. This list is not extensive. But without fail, if you were to ask these people if their coping was helping? I would bet, if they face reality at all, they would say...."no". I would bet that many would not even be able to answer the question. I think these things (well, drugs the exception I suppose!) are fine but not if they are sublimating another need that is much deeper.
To be happy, I don't need people to constantly ask how we are doing, what are we doing, how are we coping? But there are many days of feeling very alone in the struggle and noone is asking. That is my darkest hour. That is when I turn to the Lord the most. And then, sometimes the isolation surrounds my husband and I and we get "seperated" and become two housemates in the daily life of raising three small children, a home to repair and renovate and decorate and house pets. With a deforming serious illness and the aftermath of the surgical result the physical changes of it and the logistical challenges of eating....well, our marriage just seems to be in the toilet.
It may sound too simpleton but, without the Lord, our marriage would plain and simply be...in the toilet. After all, who really expects to deal with the "or worse" part of their marriage vows in specificity? I am sure, most folks don't think too far down that road...it is fruitless anyway right? Why worry about being broke, broken, seriously ill...why not build yourself up for the struggle with the word of God. Right? Right.
Often, after I wipe up my tears and, mumble to myself (the children sometimes hear me I am sure) , why Lord do we even keep on? What am I here for anyway?...would it matter at all if I were not? And it spirals down from there even deeper at times...that is the truth.
What I know is that faith is moment by moment. Faith is not walking down an aisle in church, making a public confession, naming him as Lord of my life...no way. It is simple return to trust in Him privately as a believer in Him, name my sins of self pity privately and return to His fellowship so I can push on...moment by moment. I don't log a lot of time in guilt over my feelings. I don't have the time. Thank you Lord for these little children and cancer! Thank you Lord for your solutions.
What I must remember is how often we are remembered in prayer and otherwise. Daily if not more often by some people compassionate and caring about Martin's challenges with his mouth. People that think of me as a wife and mother coping with the deformities and changes in his hearing, his tolerance of noisy, messy little children, his discontent with a routine interrupted by much of anything spontaneous. These are things that are fine and even truly welcomed by me but not him necessarily. The personality traits of before cancer have been magnified. For better or for worse. I was told I had courage by a man I met years ago...a married father of two young boys. Courage? I said. What choice do I have? He smiled and agreed. You love who you love no matter what changes them...no matter what. You just don't shut it off and walk away.
I must remember to not try to be perfect or right but forgiving...of him and myself. How many times did the Lord forgive my sins and shortcomings? Too many to count, before I was even born.
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.
~Jeremiah 29:11
oh sweetie....no real words, just lots of love...xoxoxooxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteyou are so right. when the prognosis is good, we move on. i'm sorry for that. you are prayed for daily- at least in this home. but i know it helps to hear that.
ReplyDeleteand not to bring up something frivolous ... but your hair looks fantastic.
Just wanted to give you some love and let you know I'll be praying for you. I actually don't know all of your struggles, but I can completely relate to the pain, the effort at faith, the frail marriage. May you be strengthened in all the areas of your life as you plod on. I pray your steps will become easier and your burden lighter with time. Love you and your family!
ReplyDelete