(3a.m.)'Sometimes I cry a little bit'

As M was gathering up to make ready for work, I met him in the kitchen since I rise at 5:30am during the week to get ahead of the little ones and for my personal time. As I was sending him off, he tells me that G6 was up at 3am to tell him goodbye. (He thought daddy was already leaving for work then) Then what he said, made me still. He told his father that when he goes to work, 'sometimes I cry a little' and I worry about you. How precious. Stoking the fires to keep M moving and positive. A small reminder of the love here at home for him.

Healing. A long process.

Although raised by wonderful missionary parents who constantly remind me that things change, people change but God never changes!....M struggles, and so do I, with this healing 'phase' of cancer treatment. The facts are these. His mouth constantly re closes and seems to rebel against opening the more therapy and stretching that he imposes upon it. The Naturopathic doc is helping and the help is gentle but a lingering infection in his neck, probably difficult to kill because of his lack of lymph nodes (I am not sure) is preventing vigorous health. M is loaded up with great herbs, vitamins, minerals and nutrition but imagine.....I can cheat with nutrition..cookies and cake here and there...M does not eat these things (or rarely anyway since they won't fit in) and still, infections linger on. This one has sustained a good 5-6 weeks and I am concerned.

Earlier in the year, he developed necrosis. It is decaying, dying bone tissue resulting from the radiation. It is somewhere in his jaw and actually causes pain. It was a concern of the oncologists and now a concern of mine. M will be calling M.D. Anderson today I think. He has to keep the Naturopath in the loop with what these docs will be recommending. It requires M to be a real discerning consumer with a bunch of white coats which is challenging for most folks.

So now, I want to share more of his (Actually, I wrote this particular one about him which includes an inspiring article by Tony Snow that was very meaningful to him at the time and even now) inspiring testimony when he was in the thick of treatment last year. I know of one thing for sure. God honors obedience and faith in His perfect plan...no matter how imperfect we may perceive it.

How do I keep going? I blog, I knit, I craft, I nurture our children and home educate...I drink a little wine but most of all my soul is restored when reminded of God's perfect provision.

(photos courtesy of Schindewolf Road on Christmas Eve 2009)

An email from me, almost 14 days after M's first cancer surgery (August 26, 2008, 12:34am) :

Hello friends and family,
I am embarrassed because I know these emails I write late at night are shared with all my misspellings and scatological rambles but here it goes again. ;-)

Today was a busy day. Martin has begun to do even more for himself and this morning, it allowed me time to enjoy what Erica Stark made for me at breakfast. An English muffin half topped with a perfectly poached egg with sauteed carrots and spinach with a big bowl of fresh raspberries and blueberries and then a hot decaf cappuccino to sip...yummy!! I have told her that her care of me is the very reason I have not gotten sick since surgery and recovery. She says it is the Lord sustaining me and I believe that is true. I need my mommy friends to know that I, the caregiver, also have a wonderful caregiver in Erica as well as her family pitching in for errands. It is a tremendous comfort. You know me...give me good nutrition and I'm good to go! ;-)

Martin and I got to the hospital to meet the plastic surgeon...he said Martin's healing was coming along fabulously. We then went on to the clinic, one floor up to see about getting the trachea tube removed from his windpipe. Well...I feel like a dope for not calling on Friday to set up authorization from the head and neck surgeon so that we could do it today....we were waiting an hour in clinic while the nurse tried to get a hold of the doc's nurse..she finally did but we will have to meet the doc on Wed. and then he will decide to remove it or not....the plastics physician's assist. seemed to think it would be removed soon as well as the feeding tube. We have a barium swallow test tomorrow to determine so that is today, tomorrow and Wednesday that we go to the hospital...pray that Martin does not want to knock me out at some point..he hates not being the driver which he cannot be since I drug him regularly with hydrocodone for his pain and on top of that...he particularly does not like MY driving. Oh well...we got there in one piece today anyway. So anyhow, while we were waiting in clinic for an hour, I struck up a conversation with a couple that looked a little younger than us (well, they were about my age or a bit younger). I remembered them from the critical care floor where we were transferred after ICU. The husband, named Kyle, had similar bandages as Martin and I could tell was eager to meet someone (as was Martin) who really knew what it was like 'in his shoes'. Turns out, he had the same type of cancer and had over 70% of his tongue and under his tongue removed with a tumor and then had it 'rebuilt' using his forearm tissue on the same arm and same site as Martin. Both he and his wife had a wonderful attitude. He was a strapping 205 pound man who had lost 50+ pounds prior to surgery with radiation and chemotherapy which was unsuccessful in eradicating his tumor so then he had to do the surgery. A different path than Martin's but a positive result. They are returning home to Mississippi tomorrow and we plan to keep in touch via email.

Seriously, I pray for Martin's continued reliance and trust in the Lord's plan. He will need to stay focused when in mid September, the next chapter of chemo and/or radiation begins with a new set of side effects. He is my hero and I love him even more watching him cope with this thing called cancer.

If you have time, please read a wonderful piece written by Tony Snow prior to his eternal promotion after battling cancer. Here it is...it is wonderfully written and puts things much more eloquently than I do here.

Thank you all for continued warm emails and prayer support. Even the little children who know 'Gunnar's daddy' are praying for him.

with love,Traci